TESTIMONY:ALICE VAN KAPEL

I grew up in an ordinary middle class family. Viewing from the outside, I should have had a good life. We were not rich but we had never been in need. But deep down, I was a very, very unhappy person.

I am the middle child in our family of 3 siblings. Before my younger brother came along 6 years after me, life was still fine because my father favoured my older sister while I was my mother's favourite.

My father was a traditional Chinese man and he disagreed to his children attending English schools. He loved my sister more than me because my sister was quiet, obedient and very modest in her dressing which agreed with his conservative ways. I was more of an extrovert and rebellious. Like most little girls, I was mesmerised by dreams of being a beautiful princess, hence I always wanted to look pretty. Dad thought I was vain and he just didn't know how to relate to me. He was just a father figure in my life.

My Dad passed away when I was 17 and when he died I didn't know what or how to feel. I would have wanted to have known him more. I wanted to feel proud of him. I thought should I have taken time to get to know him, there had to be something about him I could be proud of. It's all too late now.

I had real emotional problems at the age of 6 when my younger brother came along. My mother's complete attention and love were engulfed with him, day in and day out. I felt absolutely rejected and unwanted. I therefore hated my brother and I wanted him to die. We used to fight a lot, and one time I jabbed a pencil into his hand which left a deep black mark. I was not sorry. If only my mother had been honest about the favouritism, I believe I would have handled the situation a little better.

The relationship between my parents weren't much to be desired. Although they never fought or even argued, my Mom had a lot of qualms about my Dad: "He cares only about his parents and his brother....He gives all his money to his parents and neglects us...He is taking advantage of me as I am earning more than him."..on and on she would complain unceasingly to me throughout my childhood. Little did she realise the repercussions of her behaviour upon this young life. I became confused and young as I was, I felt I needed to take sides. I avoided Dad because he didn't think much of me anyway. My paternal grandmother, my Dad's mother, didn't make things easier for me. She would tell me straight in my face that I should have been a boy. She said everyone wanted me to be a boy. I began to develop an inferiority complex and began to wonder what was wrong with me. I couldn't handle the many criticisms and favouritism.

When I was in Grade 5 I did so badly that I had to repeat. In my repeat class, the teacher extensively abused me verbally and emotionally. She would tell the whole class not to talk to me because I was worthless. Almost everyday she would have something bad to say about me in front of the class. When she had nothing detrimental to say about me on a particular day, she would bring my sister into the picture and tell the class that my sister who was also in the same school was a good-for-nothing as well!

The effect of my teacher's abuse haunted me for many years into my adulthood. I continued in life believing that I was like Charlie Brown, a born loser and a failure.

My mother was a Catholic and we would go to church with her every week. Every night we prayed the same prayer, "God, please heal Mary my sister of her asthma and Alice of her eczema." I never doubted the existence of God and the story of Jesus Christ but after these repeated prayers and Mary still had her asthma and I still had my eczema, I drew the conclusion that yes, there is a God but how much did He really care?!

I was converted to the Christian faith in 1986, but at that time I joined a church that emphasized "working out your salvation with fear and trembling". God became a distant figure that was unloving and there to catch me. I myself learned to be judgmental and critical. Afterall, I just didn't want my fellow Christians to lose their salvation!

12 years ago, I went to live in Australia. I'd grown tired of being judged and having to judge other Christians in the name of keeping watch for them. I just wanted to discover who I really was. I began to see the damaging effect of my parents' influence in my life. My lack of a relationship with my Dad was affecting my relationships with guys. I tended to be demanding and co-dependent and had many unsuccessfully relationships. I then went for counselling to rebuild my confidence and self-worth. The opposite effect resulted. I became very self-reliant and arrogant. I was an angry head, and I had "don't mess with me" written across my forehead. I enjoyed the "power" of my anger and the freedom from having to please others. But one thing I cannot deny: I was very unhappy. I thought I a husband would bring me the happiness I would need in my life. I got married in 2000 and with it came more problems. What's wrong with me? Being alive was a chore!

Last year, I came to know some friends who happened to go to a church called ICA. One of them asked me to attend an Alpha course organized by that church. I was then attending another church and had no idea what ICA is. All I knew was at that time was that nothing in my life seemed working. At the same time, I also believed what the Bible promises - love, peace and joy. I thought something must have been missing. So, I decided to sit through Alpha humbly, assuming I knew nothing about God and Jesus. Week after week, I learned simple truths about God, about why Jesus had to die, about the meaning of the cross, and about who is the Holy Spirit. All of a sudden, things started to make sense this time round. When the truth struck me that my God loves me so much that He sent His only Son to die for me, it didn't matter any more that I still have my eczema. Week after week, the brothers and sisters just patiently cared for me and prayed for me. I was quite surprised that none of them called me stupid for not grasping it after being a Christian for so long. Before the whole course was over, this airy-fairy term "the love of God" suddenly became real to me. And the scripture of His promise came to me: You will seek me and find me if you seek me with all your heart.

Now I walk with Jesus Christ everyday, in sickness and in health, in good times and in not so good times. My husband and I are learning to be a blessing and not a curse to the other. The most important thing is that I am learning to trust Jesus every step of the way. My guiding scripture everyday is "better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere… for the LORD God is a sun and shield… no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is upright. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." There is still much work- in -progress in my life, but whenever I see the permanent black mark on my brother's hand, I know in a deeper way that I've been forgiven, and it's okay. I can walk on with Jesus no mater what life confronts me with.